


Bella Goes to Therapy

by Bouncey



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bella Swan with a Backbone, Bella Works Through Things, Bisexual Bella Swan, Book: New Moon, Canon Divergent New Moon, Charlie and Bella Bonding Time, Confronting Edward, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erasing Smeyer's Racism - Werewolves Keep Their Long Hair, Good Parent Charlie Swan, Human Bella Swan, Mental Health Issues, Mental healthcare, Respecting Native American Culture, The Therapist is Based on Mary Shelley, Therapy, this happens in the middle of New Moon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22421956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bouncey/pseuds/Bouncey
Summary: Charlie offers an ultimatum: go to therapy or move to Jacksonville.Bella chooses therapy and finds the results to be...kinda cool.(this fic takes place between Edward leaving and returning in New Moon and will be heavily canon divergent)-On Hiatus-
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 151
Kudos: 461





	1. Charlie and Childhood

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just trying this out. Let me know if you like it and I'll write more chapters.
> 
> This is based heavily on my own experience with therapy, which can be extremely helpful with people who repress their trauma. Mental health is an important part of existing and I thought it would be cool to correct some of Smeyer's less realistic emotional reactions when it comes to Bella. 
> 
> Enjoy!

As the snow melted so did Charlie’s patience with me. He had approached me in mid-January and given me an ultimatum: “You can go with me to the office, Bells, or you can move to Jacksonville.”

I had chosen this option, so here I sat; perched on the edge of an overstuffed armchair in a vanilla-scented doctor’s office, heart fluttering against my ribs like a bird in a cage. When the petite doctor entered the room I nearly jumped out of my skin. She quickly apologized for her abrupt appearance and took a seat in the armchair across from me. _I’ve seen people move far faster than that, doctor. No reason to apologize,_ I thought. She held out her hand and I shook it, embarrassed at the clamminess of my own hands. Anxiety made my palms sweat and I was _incredibly_ anxious about being here. The doctor, who couldn’t have been older than forty, tucked a stray piece of dark brown hair behind her ear and crossed her legs as she introduced herself, “Hello, Ms. Swan. I’m Dr. Anne-Marie Shelley. You’re welcome to refer to me as either Anne or Dr. Shelley. Whatever you’re most comfortable with is fine with me.”

“You really wouldn’t mind if I called you Anne?” 

“Many of my patients feel most comfortable addressing me by my first name, so it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.”

“Cool.”

“What should I call you? Do you prefer Ms. Swan or Isabella?” 

_I really have to get on Charlie about introducing me to people so formally._ “I prefer Bella, actually.”

“Well it’s nice to put a face to the reputation, Bella. Chief Swan has had nothing but nice things to say, so I’m excited to talk to you. Chief Swan also mentioned that you had a pretty traumatic experience recently. Would you like to address that, or would you like to talk about something else instead?”

 _How the hell was I going to tell this woman that my entire reason for existing had been ripped away from me? The light of my life was snuffed out, utterly destroyed. My one true love had abandoned me in the worst town on earth. He had left me completely alone in a clumsy mortal body, one that I had dreamed of shedding in exchange for vampiric grace and elegance. I could have been like Rosalie or Alice; unattainably beautiful. I had been offered eternity and now I was just another eighteen year old girl about to graduate high school and live a normal, human life. I would age and die like everyone else, forever separated from the only person that had made me feel understood._ Dr. Shelley didn’t seem bothered by my long pause; she didn’t even glance at her watch or the clock to urge me on like Charlie did. Not that he meant any harm, he was just awkward. Finally I sighed, “I don’t even know where to start. I’ve never been to therapy before and I’m not quite sure what to expect.”

“Are there any questions you’d like to ask me? About me, or my life, or what therapy is like?”

“Would you _mind_ if I asked you some things?”

“Go ahead. I’m an open book.”

“Are you going to tell Charlie what I say to you during our talks or whatever they’re called? Sessions?”

“No. Our conversations are completely confidential. There’s only one situation that would force me to tell Charlie anything, and that would be if you threatened bodily harm to yourself or someone else during an appointment,” Anne explained. “And that’s a Washington state legal requirement for _all_ of my patients. I could be talking to my own sister and I’d still have to tell Chief Swan if she became a danger to herself or others.”

“Okay. That seems fair and understandable,” I acknowledged. Things were starting to fall into place about this whole process. “Will you judge me for any of the things I tell you? Honestly?”

“No, not at all. My job isn’t to judge you, Bella, it’s to help you interpret your feelings, experiences, and reactions. I might sometimes show you a pattern in your stories or ask you pointed questions to draw your attention to specific behaviors, but I’ll never judge you for your decisions or feelings.”

“Alright. So, I guess I should start at the beginning. That’s usually where like...mental stuff starts, right? Childhood?”

“Sometimes, yes. But teens and adults can still experience heavy trauma,” she nodded. It was encouraging to know that I wasn’t alone. It felt nice to be just another statistic, in this moment. A nameless, formless being with _trauma._ I wasn't Bella Swan dealing with the disappearance of... _him._ I was just a girl in an office discussing her childhood.

“So, you know Charlie, uh...my Dad, right?”

“Do you usually refer to your father as Charlie?”

“To other people, yeah. I call him Dad to his face. It seems rude to call him by his first name.”

“Do you feel more comfortable calling him Charlie?”

“Most of the time. I refer to my Mother by her first name, too. And my stepfather, Phil. I don’t really know why; I just always have.”

“You don’t have to know why you do it,” Anne shrugged. I relaxed back into the armchair slightly, no longer frightened of this room or its contents. No longer ready to flee like a frightened baby deer. The doctor’s presence was like that of a familiar aunt. Her soft, steady voice and kind eyes made her questions feel no more probing than a caring relative’s might. It was easy to open up to her about stuff that I hadn't even realized was bothering me.

“I’m pretty mature for my age,” I smiled a little. “I’ve always taken really good care of Renee, so it’s odd being treated like a kid again by Charlie. Back in Phoenix I did the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and made sure Mom had gas in her tank most of the time. But that was just Renee, you know? She didn’t like to keep track of things.”

“So you were going to school full time and also doing most of the house work while you lived with Renee?” 

“Yeah.”

“Did you enjoy doing all those things?”

My easy answer caught in my throat, _don’t lie, Bella. You won’t hurt Renee’s feelings by telling Anne the truth._ I had to pause and think again. Charlie had sighed and grumbled many things about my Mom under his breath in the last year, but he’d always allowed me to defend her with little rebuttal. I could see the pain in his expression whenever I cooked him dinner or cleaned up afterwards. He was always insisting on doing things for me in return, like switching the laundry from the washer to the dryer if I forgot or vacuuming the living room whenever he felt it was needed. I realized rather suddenly that Charlie felt bad making me do the tasks I once performed for Renee without a second thought; he felt like he was taking advantage of me. _Oh Charlie, you wonderful man._ “I just assumed that I had to those things. Renee didn’t like ordering out too often and she was a horrible cook, so I just assumed kitchen duty as soon as I was old enough to reach the stove. I knew that if I didn’t cook, food may not appear. I love my Mom, but she’s not very good at focusing. She’s an artist, you know? It was easier to write the grocery lists for her than remind her eight times that we needed milk. By my sophomore year of high school I was seriously considering applying for culinary school.”

“Are you still considering that option?"

“It's entered my mind a couple times, but I don't know. I really like English, too."

"You have plenty of time to think about college."

"Last winter Charlie put ice chains on my tires and I nearly cried,” I recalled, completely non sequitur. My mind had been flickering through memories of Charlie, locating all the times he'd truly parented me. “He just takes such good care of me and he doesn’t even _think_ about it. He doesn’t brag or ask for praise; he just _is_ a good Dad.”

“You think Charlie is a good dad?”

“Yeah. He’s great. He doesn’t hover, he doesn’t pry, he never wants to get overly involved in my personal stuff…”

“Why do those qualities make him good?” Anne asked. She had been jotting things down on a large white legal pad every once and awhile as I spoke, but now her eyes were focused directly on me. I had to pause yet again.

“I’m not used to having someone around a lot.” The words poured slowly from my mouth, as if they were being carried by half-frozen molasses. _Oh god, is this an epiphany? Is this what epiphanies feel like? Should I jump from the chair and shout EUREKA and run from the room?_ “Charlie and I are both used to being lonely.”

Anne didn’t speak or move to ask me another question. I shifted in my seat, settling into the grooves of the armchair. “I think being lonely made us like privacy, and we both prefer it that way. Charlie cares about me, I know that, but I don’t think he knows how to say it out loud.”

“That’s an interesting observation.”

“When I was little, visiting Charlie always felt weird. I thought it was because I didn’t like Forks, but maybe it was because seeing him being alone made me realize just how alone I was, too.”

“You’re very insightful for a high school student,” Anne noted. “Did you ever journal?”

“Not really. I couldn’t keep at it. I email my Mom every other day and that’s kind of like a journal. I tell her about my life and what I’m doing at school. Or work. She likes hearing about it, I think.”

“You have a job?”

“Yeah, I work down at the Newton’s camping supply store with my friend Mike.”

“Very nice. That will look great on a college application.”

 _College...life...the world still spinning like usual and_ I couldn’t think of the name, even now. I couldn’t bring his beautiful image to the front of my mind without ripping through the tenuous stitches on my heart. The hole in the center of my chest was less ragged but it still stung to the touch. It still burned in my center as I dreamed of _him_ leaving, over and over. Anne’s voice broke through my reverie, “Bella, are you okay?”

 _Oh my god, am I crying?_ I wiped the escaped tears from my cheeks quickly. “Sorry.”

“There’s no reason to apologize. I didn’t mean to say anything that would upset you. Do you want to share, or would you rather talk more about Charlie?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to talk about much else yet, honestly.”

“That’s fine. These sessions are for _you_ so we can talk about whatever you want.”

“I don’t know what else I want to talk about right now. I haven’t really been talking with _people_ much at all lately. I’m sure Charlie told you.”

“He told me a little, but you seem like a perfectly rational young person. Just hurt, that’s all.”

“Thank you, Anne.”

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but our appointment time is winding to a close. Would you like to come back next week, Bella?”

“Actually, yeah. I feel a little better after talking to someone. It’s nice knowing that telling you my problems won’t make Charlie stressed out.”

“Before you leave, Bella, there’s something you should know. You’re _allowed_ to be a kid. You’re allowed to feel sad and want attention from your parents. You’re allowed to make friends and make connections with people your age. Whatever you’re dealing with, Bella, it’s _allowed._ ”

For a reason I couldn’t pinpoint at the time I felt a rush of relief. Finally, someone had validated my feelings of loss and abandonment and loneliness. Finally there was somebody granting me permission rather than offering solace. That’s all I’d needed. I smiled and pulled on my jacket, feeling a little lighter and safer than I had when entering the office, “Thanks, doc.”


	2. Music Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad y'all are liking this so far! I've decided to keep writing. I don't know how in-depth I'll get or how it will evolve, but I read all my comments so I'm working from there.
> 
> This story is based heavily on my own experiences with therapy, but altered to fit Bella's narrative more closely. I hope you enjoy and drop me some comments!

“Hello, Bella!” Dr. Shelley beamed. She breezed in through the open door and closed it softly behind her. As she crossed the small space to take a seat the doctor asked, “How are you doing today?”

“Pretty good, actually,” I answered. _The hole in my chest is smaller, I think. Not by much, but a little._ I smiled, thinking of my newly normal life. Since my last visit I’d been trying to enjoy the banality of being human. There was a strange beauty in knowing that you would eventually die; every moment was precious in ways I hadn’t understood before...well, before. I added, “We’re reading Oscar Wilde in English.”

“Is he a favorite?”

“He’s alright,” I shrugged. Oscar Wilde wasn’t exactly in my top ten, but he was clever. Shakespeare probably would have gotten along well with him, all things considered. I must have smiled to myself or made a face because Anne cleared her throat to catch my attention.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking that Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde would have probably enjoyed hanging out together.” 

“Why’s that?” she asked. Her half-bemused, half-fascinated grin was genuine and somehow encouraged me to continue. _British literature has always been my specialty, from the Bard to the Brontes, and I could wax poetic for hours on end._ _In fact, I Esme and I used to_...well. Burying that particular thought, I smiled shyly over to my therapist. Maybe she’d find this information interesting even if it wasn’t in her particular field.

“Both of them wrote tightly-worded plays about the downfalls of society, full of clever puns and visual metaphors. Wilde was imprisoned for being gay and Shakespeare’s sonnets leave his sexuality hanging in question,” I elaborated, “I think they could have written some very inappropriate but interesting plays as a duo.”

“You know, from what I remember of _Romeo and Juliet_ and _The Importance of Being Earnest,_ I think you may really be onto something there.”

“You think so?”

“That’s a paper topic for the college level,” Anne stated. She adjusted the position of her legs slightly and relaxed back into her own chair. Even though I knew she might just be validating my idea to boost my self-confidence, it still felt good to be praised by an educated adult. She tapped her pen twice against the edge of her legal pad, a habit of hers that I’d started noticing at the end of our last session. It usually preceded a question. “Have you considered studying English next year?” 

“Actually, yeah. I’ve been talking to a couple of my teachers about it. I’d like to continue studying something I’m passionate about.”

“Are there any specific schools you’re thinking about applying to?” 

For a moment my pain took on a new flavor. I wasn’t heartbroken over the sudden loss of my first love and I wasn’t sad about the rest of the Cullens abandoning me, either. I was _furious_ with Edward that I would have to make do with one short, measly human lifetime. Rosalie had three or four PhDs to her name, two _drawers_ full of bachelor’s and master’s degrees she didn’t feel like framing, and I’d only have the time to get one of each. Maybe two, if I put exemplary effort in. Through my fog of anger, confusion, and disappointment, I had yet another realization. _His_ name had crossed my mind without causing me to cringe. The word that had once trapped me in watery-eyed silences for days now stood powerless before my pure rage in the face of mortality. _Just like everyone else, really. So I guess it’s not that unfair in the grand scheme of things._ My spine straightened in response to my righteous fury. After one of the long pauses my new therapist was no doubt getting used to, I answered her simple question, “I’ve been looking around. An influential friend offered to write me a letter of recommendation for Dartmouth, but I don’t know if I’d be able to make it in. I’d probably have to retake the SAT.”

“I’m sure you could make it in if you applied,” Anne said, “You seem to have a solid head on your shoulders, and Charlie mentioned how good your GPA was looking after your first semester.”

“Could we talk about, like...something other than grades? Or college?” I asked. My bravery, fueled by the overflow of very human emotions, was waning in the face of an uncertain future. The sensation of outrage had crumpled beneath my larger, more existentialist fear of the void. 

“Alright,” she sat back, crossing her legs once again and smiling supportively. “So, what would you like to discuss this week?”

“I miss listening to music,” I blurted, desperate for something else to talk about. _Okay, so this isn’t exactly an issue I’d hoped to deal with so soon, but talking about it could be really beneficial. I_ do _miss listening to music without bursting into hysterical tears._ The hole in my chest shuddered around the edges and I resisted the urge to call his face into memory. I was doing so well lately and working through this would do more help than harm (or so I was telling myself). 

“Why haven’t you been listening to music?” 

_It’s easier to tell her things when she asks me questions. I feel like I’m in an interview rather than a therapy session._ The doctor’s questions pressured my stupid people-pleasing brain into telling the truth. Well...most of the truth, anyway. “It reminds me of the traumatic thing Charlie told you about before our first meeting.”

“Ah, I see. Do you care to elaborate, or would you like to leave it at that?”

“I can elaborate a little. There was a guy at my school and I really liked him. I loved him. He didn’t care that I talked about my interests at length. He didn’t care about the way I dressed or did my hair or wore my makeup. This guy, despite all his flaws, made me feel _safe_ in a way that Charlie and Renee never could. He understood the parts of me that neither of my parents really _got,_ you know?”

“And he moved away?”

“His whole family disappeared without saying so much as a goodbye. They were some of my closest friends and losing all of them at once just…” I felt tears welling up in the corners of my eyes but I didn't brush them away immediately. Crying always made me feel better, anyway. It was like a shower for my feelings. “He and I bonded over music a lot. He even wrote me a really beautiful lullaby and played it for me on his piano the day I met his parents. Losing him, losing all of them, it made music seem so pointless. If he isn’t here to listen to it with me and talk to me about the melody and the lyricism, why bother listening to anything at all?”

“Music can be an amazing coping tool, Bella. There’s an entire field of study dedicated to therapy through music, full of brilliant young people dedicated to helping others.”

“Everything I listen to just feels empty without him,” I stated. My voice sounded different, even to me. It had pitched down, the way it did when I knew I was about to cry. Anne sensed my mood change and shifted her body forward in the chair to be slightly closer, more comforting. “Like the notes are as hollow as I feel inside.”

“Would you mind if I gave you a sort of homework assignment? I think it might help you process some of these feelings and get over that 'hollow' sensation.”

“Sure.” I wiped a few tears from my face and sent Dr. Shelley a tired smile. Her return grin held none of my exhaustion; she was honestly invested in helping me feel better. Whether or not it had been her intention, the investment made me feel obligated to at least try whatever she was about to explain. 

“I’d like you to make me a playlist. Tell me at least ten of your current favorite songs. Write the song title and the band or artist name. If you’d like, and this is optional, you can give me a short description of the things you associate with the song. What are the things you think of when you play it and why do they make you happy? You don’t have to do that, but it would help me understand how you’re doing right now and what you’re like as a person.”

“That does sound like something that could help me feel better.”

“That’s my job,” Anne winked.

* * *

We’d spent the remainder of the visit discussing Charlie and I’s mutual trouble showing appreciation and affection to one another, since I didn’t want to talk any more about music after being given the playlist assignment. We had even managed to create a plan of action in regards to Charlie and I’s behavior: I would thank Charlie out loud whenever I thought of something he’d done that improved my life. As he drove me home from therapy in the comfort of the cruiser I surprised him by smiling and chirping, “Thank you for caring enough to get me help, Dad.”

“Of course, Bells,” he said in that gravelly, half-confused voice I loved so much. The Dad Voice. Charlie’s voice. “I just want you to be happy, that’s all.”

“I know. Love ya.”

“Love you too, kiddo.”

* * *

My next therapy appointment was a week away, so I waited a couple days to gather song ideas. I wrote my list once, then adjusted it, then threw it away completely and started over from scratch. By the time it was complete, though, it felt _right._ The marrow of my bones practically vibrated when I heard these songs; they resonated with my very soul in ways that no mere conversation or poetry or literature ever could. 

I had neatly printed the name of each song, then the band/artist, then a short memory related to each one. When my next appointment was three days away, my brain kicked into high gear and tossed me another cool idea. I bounded down the stairs and into the living room, purse already slung over my shoulder. “Charlie! Are you free today?”

“Yeah I am. Why?”

“Would you be interested in going on a father-daughter shopping adventure? I need to visit a store that sells blank CDs but I don’t think Forks has one. I thought maybe you could give me a ride to Port Angeles or something. We could always check out the tackle shop on our way home, too. I only have the kiddy-sized Barbie pole from when I was little and I think I’d like to go out with you, Billy, and Mr. Clearwater sometime. Maybe Billy could bring Jake along, too.”

“I suppose it would be nice to spend some time just the two of us,” Charlie pretended to consider his options. “I guess if you’re promising a stop at the tackle store _and_ a weekend fishing trip with the old man, I can take you to Port Angeles.” 

He rose from the couch and tugged on his favorite pair of worn Timberland hiking boots. He’d had them since before I was born, or so Renee told me; he took them to a real, licensed cobbler in Portland every few years to get them patched up. Charlie had once promised to will them to me upon his inevitable death at the hands of a rabid bear (his words, not mine). As we loaded into Charlie’s cruiser, his only vehicle, he turned to me. “Why do you need blank CDs, anyway?”

“Dr. Shelley asked me to make a list of my ten favorite songs. I thought it might be cool to make her a CD with the computer, too. That way she can listen to them. I’m sure they come in packs of more than one, though, so I can use the others to make gifts for my friends.”

“This could be a really fun hobby for you, Bells. I know how good you are with observing people and what they like.” Charlie made this statement with pride, but a sad mist quickly filled his eyes. He tapped the steering wheel a few times as he organized his next thought, “You don’t have to be a chameleon for me, Isabella. You’re my daughter, my only child, and I’m never going to judge you for how you feel or what you do. Even if it hurts me or if I lose you, I’ll never judge you.”

“Thanks Dad,” I replied softly. I was stunned. Charlie, as I had stressed to Anne just last week, was anything but a hoverer. The Swan family were not oversharers. Yet, here we sat, both of us tearful and smiling. “I love you, Dad.”

“Love you too, Bells.”


	3. The Playlist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Holy cow. You guys. I wasn't expecting such a sweet, wonderful welcome to the world of Twilight fanfics but y'all are so amazing. Thank you for the encouragement, your comments mean the world and I love reading them!
> 
> This is a real exercise that my therapist and I did and it does help a lot.

February 10, 2006

Dear Anne (Dr. Shelley),

Thank you for giving me this assignment; you were right, I feel a lot better and I can listen to music again without feeling so empty or sad. I really enjoyed making this playlist! I’ve been focusing more on my friendships and my parents than my ex-boyfriend over the past week while I made a few people mixed-CDs, and it’s been really transformative. Charlie even helped me look into Washington University’s music therapy program; it could be an interesting field of study (like you mentioned last week) and I could always minor in English.

Regarding the playlist itself, I wrote these songs down as they came to mind so there isn’t really any order or favoritism in the way they’re listed. I’ve also included a CD (which matches the list below) so you can listen along as you read, if you feel like it. I can’t believe I’ve only been seeing you for three weeks and I already feel so much better. _Thank you_ doesn’t quite carry all my appreciation.

Sincerely,

Bella Swan

  1. DARE - Gorillaz



I don’t know what it is about this song, but it really appeals to me. The lyrics are absolute nonsense but the beat and the music are so...happy? _Positive_ might be a better word, or _upbeat_. I might have even scared Charlie yesterday because I was blasting this song and dancing while putting the laundry away after school. 

Angela, Jessica, and I are going to have a sleepover this weekend at Angela’s house and I might try to introduce them to this song and see what they think. Maybe we can start trading playlists; Angela has a great taste in indie bands. We’re making cookies for the Valentine’s Day bake sale at the sleepover and I’m praying they don’t make me decorate any (I should never be trusted with icing).

2) Promise - Eve 6

Jake told me about this band when Charlie and I visited La Push for a cookout over the summer. He likes _Superhero Girl, Rescue,_ and _Sunset Strip Bitch_ but I associate the lyrics of _Promise_ with him. We’ve been hanging out a little bit more lately and working on a secret surprise project. He’s such a warm, caring person. I thought nobody could make me feel as safe as my ex, but I was wrong. Jacob is an amazing friend and so caring. He’d never try and put his (pretty obvious) feelings for me before our friendship. I think of him as my personal sun here in Forks, warm and comforting.

3) The Remedy - Jason Mraz

This song makes me feel strong enough to ignore my sadness, most days. I listen to it when I brush my teeth and get ready before school. Even Charlie likes playing it in the cruiser when we run to the grocery store. It makes me think of Jessica, Mike, Angela, Ben, and Eric. They’re really good friends and even though I’ve been distant for the past couple months, it seems like things are getting better between us. We’ve all been talking at lunch again and sitting together in class. Listening to this song makes me realize that I should pay more attention to my friendships and worry less about finding love. I’m only eighteen, after all. “You can turn off the sun but I’m still gonna shine” is my favorite line.

4) It’s Not a Fashion Statement, It’s a Deathwish - My Chemical Romance

“You get what everyone else gets, you get a lifetime” really hits me hard in ways that I can’t explain without sounding crazy (or crazi _er_ , I guess). This song makes me feel like I could beat the shit (pardon my French) out of the guy who hurt me. I listen to MCR when I want to feel motivated and let my anger out. They make me feel strong. There isn’t a line in the whole song that I don’t feel deeply. Now that I think of it, the whole _Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge_ album really speaks to me. Maybe Charlie will take me to see them on tour; they’re coming to San Diego in October!

5) The Mixed Tape - Jack’s Mannequin

Andrew McMahon’s voice is so yearning and lonely...if Charlie ever started a band, his lyrics would be very similar, I think. Even though I try not to listen to sad songs, this one is just angry enough to keep me from crying when I hear it. I also like _Kill the Messenger,_ but that one is less mopey. Andrew would probably like all the rain in Forks; he writes about rain a lot for a guy who lives in California most of the year. Honestly, though, I just really like _all_ of his music. 

6) Up the Wolves - The Mountain Goats

I just like how angry and whiney this guy’s voice is. “There’s gonna come a day when you feel better” fills me with a peace that I can’t honestly explain. The lead singer’s voice is very unique, too. This song is more easy listening than emotionally charged, but I included it because it makes me feel content and confident; it also reminds me of Jake for some reason? I don’t know why, it just does.

7) My Doorbell - The White Stripes

Another song that makes me dance. I listen to The White Stripes while I make dinner or clean the bathroom. They motivate me. That’s all, I just like them.

8) It’s Gotta Be You - The Backstreet Boys

Okay, so this song is tied with _Don’t Want You Back._ Jessica lent me her “Millenium” CD and I honestly love it. Pop music may have very little lyrical integrity but it sure gets the job done when I want to boost my mood. This isn’t my go-to genre at all...but it’s growing on me. Fast. Like moss on...well, like moss on everything in Forks! “ _Baby it’s the way you make me kinda get to go crazy, never wanna STOP!”_ It’s hard not to sing along.

9) Private Property - Judas Priest

An addition from Charlie’s vinyl collection! Last weekend we set up his old record player in the living room since I’m not a grabby toddler anymore and probably won’t knock it over (fingers crossed). We christened the new speakers by listening to “Turbo”, one of our mutual favorite Priest albums. Charlie played air guitar and everything! Maybe I’ll get him a cool leather jacket for his birthday or something. He’d like that. 

This song also reminds me that my body and my decisions are my own. Nobody gets to decide what I want except for me; my ex used to try and talk over my sometimes but never again! Bella is in charge of Bella, and nobody else can tell me what to do (except maybe Charlie, but that’s okay because he’d never hurt me or push my boundaries). 

10) She Knows - Four Star Mary

I found this song on some _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ forum and I dig it. I’ve been exploring the grunge scene a little bit more (since I wear so much plaid anyway) and the music is great! Heavy guitar, scratchy but somehow melodic vocals, the high energy. I was listening to this on my iPod and Mike asked if he could listen along. He didn’t like it very much, but that’s alright. Not everybody likes this style and that’s fine! More for me, ya know? “She knows that side of me” is one of my favorite lines. It’s nice to feel connected with someone and feel understood. 

* * *

Charlie slid the shiny disc labeled "Charlie's Mix - Love Bells" into his cruiser's CD player and pressed _Play._ A chipper guitar riff poured from the speakers, followed by the surprisingly high voice of a man.

_"I saw the darkness coming down,  
it posed no threat to me.  
I let the darkness ease its way around;  
it was every good thing  
I'd expected it would be._

_I saw you coming,_   
_through the twisting vines outside;_   
_I saw the new moon collide_   
_with the stars_   
_clustered around her."_

"That's my Bells," he said to no one in particular, smile gently shoving the hairs of his mustache up into his nose. He scratched his chin absently, turned the key in the ignition, and headed for work. Bella had informed him of her after-school plans with Jessica and Angela, which he'd enthusiastically agreed to. Therapy had been an excellent idea. She was going to be okay, after all. 


	4. The Sleepover and The Email

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait, but I'm currently taking a full semester's worth of graduate classes as well as working 30 hours a week, so I don't have a ton of free time. I promise I'm still writing this.

“How did the cookie baking at Angela’s go?” Anne asked, crossing her legs. Her posture was customary, professional, and seemed to put me at ease; that probably contributed to the reason she took this position every time we talked. Or maybe it was just a comfortable way to sit and I was overthinking things.  _ Yeah, that’s probably it.  _

I was sitting criss-cross applesauce in my usual armchair, finally relaxed enough to be myself now that I’d adjusted to the pattern of attending therapy. This week had been surprisingly easy for me, emotionally; I’d been social at school, Jake and I had planned a test-drive date for the motorcycles, and Charlie had started a new nightly tradition that put me to sleep in a good mood.  _ Poor Anne, yet another long-ass pause for no apparent reason.  _

“It was really fun! They liked the music I showed them, which is cool. Jessica even asked to borrow my  _ Death Cab for Cutie  _ CD on Monday, which I wasn’t expecting.”

“Why not?” 

“She likes more mainstream radio stuff, which I guess  _ Death Cab  _ kind of is, now.” 

“They sound familiar; were they on your list from last week?”

“No; they’re good but they haven’t made my top ten yet.”

“How did the rest of the sleepover go?”

“When we were done decorating the cookies, Angela’s mom let us eat pizza in the living room and watch a movie. She rented the new  _ Pride and Prejudice _ from the Blockbuster in Port Angeles and everything. Then we stayed up way too late talking about Mike’s new haircut, which is actually not that bad in my opinion.”

“That does sound like a lot of fun,” Anne smiled. “Did you enjoy yourself?”

“Yeah, I did. It feels good to have friends that are normal.”

“What do you mean? Were the Cullens not normal?”

_Ah, shit._ Well, at least it wouldn’t be too hard to explain myself; I had always felt out of place around most of my ex-boyfriend’s family. “The Cullens were really wealthy and it was difficult relating to them a lot of the time. Some of them also liked me more than others. It wasn’t exactly a subtle difference, either. Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett accepted me for who I was right away and that was really nice. Alice is the same age as me, but she always tried to change the things about me she found _aesthetically displeasing._ ”

“What do you mean?” Anne prodded. 

I took a deep breath, steeling myself to continue. Despite my endless emails to Alice, I was incredibly angry with the way she’d treated me during her stint in Forks. “My clothes weren’t fashionable enough for her tastes, my hair could have been styled better, and my makeup skills were lackluster. Sure, she and I connected on some sister-type emotional level, but she was more concerned with Edward’s thoughts and feelings than mine and I knew that would never change, you know? I was a new toy that she could play dress-up with and throw parties for; someone who wasn’t family yet and who wasn’t already used to her shenanigans.”

“And the others?”

_ Was I ready to talk about this?  _ Another deep breath.  _ Yes, I am.  _ “I knew why Jasper and I had a tough time getting along, but he always put in an effort. He was neutral territory. Emmett and I got along great,” I laughed, thinking of all the dumb shit we’d done together over the summer. The pranks we’d pulled on the other Cullens would remain some of my only untainted memories. “We were best buds. Rosalie didn’t like me, but I don’t know why. I didn’t really get the chance to talk to her before they disappeared.”

“What about Carlisle and Esme?” 

“They treated me like one of their own from the first day I met them,” I smiled fondly. “Esme was going to give me painting lessons this year.”

“Would you like to keep talking about them, Bella?”

“Actually, I had something I wanted to tell you about!”

“You sound excited,” the doctor smiled. 

“I am! Charlie and I started a new nightly tradition and it’s awesome,” I beamed. His effort to be a more “present” Dad had changed my life so much in only a few short weeks; he was the parent I’d always needed. Why the courts let flighty, inattentive Renee have full custody, I’ll never know; but the past is the past. “Every night at five when Charlie gets home from work, he puts a record on, changes, and then helps me make dinner. Usually he just cuts things up or mixes things, but it’s still nice to spend some quality time together. He’ll tell me about his day at work and I’ll tell him about all the stupid drama happening between my friends at school. We have a bet running on how long it takes Ben to buy platform shoes so he can be as tall as Angela.”

“You seem so different, already, Bella. It’s nice to see you opening up a little,” Anne encouraged. 

“Thanks. It’s getting easier,” I replied.  _ Jake was helping, Jess and Angela were helping, and Charlie was putting in more effort than everyone else combined.  _ “I think I’m going to make it out alive.”

“Did you ever doubt that you would?”

“I used to have these really nasty, recurring nightmares,” I admitted. “But lately they’ve been decreasing in intensity; they’re just annoying bad dreams rather than wake-up-screaming night terrors. I’ve been sleeping seven to eight hours a night again, my skin is clearer, I feel less fatigued during the day, and my appetite has returned full-force. Edward was nice and all, but the world will keep spinning now that he’s gone.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“Me too, honestly,” I smiled. “And it’s been amazing to see who stuck around through my moping. My friends and family really want me to get better, and that makes me want to put the effort into getting better.”

“You’re an intelligent young woman,” Anne acknowledged, “And I’m glad you’ve come to this conclusion. So, what else is on your mind?”

* * *

“Hey Bells, I was thinking about listening to _Elton John’s Greatest Hits_ tonight _._ Does that sound good?”

“Elton John would be great, Dad,” I smiled, tugging the fridge open. I quickly examined the contents and made my calculated suggestion: “How about tacos for dinner?”

“Excellent choice, Chef Bella.”

“Put Elton John on the A-Side first,” I demanded. “That side starts with Crocodile Rock and you  _ know _ how I feel about Crocodile Rock.”

“It’s something shocking!”

“When your feet just can’t keep still?” I asked, playing along. Charlie couldn’t keep it together long enough to continue the next line of the song and we both burst into laughter. We sang along as we worked side-by-side cutting tomatoes (Charlie) and seasoning a skillet of ground beef (me). Dinner was delicious, as usual, and we played a few rounds of checkers before splitting off to get ready for bed.

* * *

I decided to email Renee about something that I hadn’t been able to tell my therapist about quite yet. This needed to be worked out between a girl and her hippie mother before anything else. While Charlie used the bathroom to shower and do his nightly mustache care routine, or whatever. 

To:  dwyeren@aol.net

From:  bells.swan@hotmail.com

Subject: Therapy + Stuff

Hey Mom! 

There’s something I need to talk to you about/ask your advice on.

Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad...I think? I was talking to my friend today and she mentioned that she thought I was super cute. She meant it platonically but I can’t stop thinking about how shiny her hair is and how nice she smells. It’s totally normal if I think she’s cute, too, right? Like...I might have a crush on her? Idk. It’s really confusing.

We didn’t go to church a lot so I don’t know if this is something that would make you disown me, but you’ve always been so accepting that I thought I’d take a chance. I always talk to you about my crushes; I’ve been talking to you about them ever since I was making mud pies with Jacob Black when we were in elementary school. 

Ever since I saw this one girl at school (Rosalie Cullen, Edward’s sister) I’ve been having these feelings about girls more often. Are they normal? Is this okay? Am I allowed to like girls  _ and  _ boys? I don’t want to tell Charlie because I don’t want him to be upset (not that I think he’d be very angry) but I’m confused and a little scared.

Therapy is really working well for me and I appreciate you and Dad giving me the chance to stay in Forks. My friends are amazing and they care so much; I’m glad they gave me a second chance, too. 

Anyway, get back to me whenever you can. I love you and I hope you still love me.

Much love always,

Bella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always remind me why I write, so please drop one if you enjoyed this chapter and want to see Renee's reply email.


	5. The Admission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm alive! I'm so sorry! 
> 
> Life has been really weird and crazy but now that school is canceled...well...I have time to write again!
> 
> If you're still following this story, thank you so much. I hope to get more chapters up soon. Comments are always much appreciated, guys! Love you!
> 
> (I know Bella takes a lot of deep breaths in this chapter but it's honestly one of the most common calming mechanisms for people with Major Anxiety)

“Hey Bella, how was your week?” Anne asked as we settled into our respective seats. 

“Pretty good,” I said. “But it felt really long for some reason.”

“Did you hang out with Jake at all?”

“Yeah, we hung out on Tuesday after school and did some homework together at my house. I tried to call him on Thursday for a chat but his dad said he was busy fixing Mrs. Clearwater’s car.”

“What about your school friends, have you been spending much time with them lately?” 

I ran a hand through my hair absently, wiggling my fingers to clear some small tangles. “I’m actually doing pretty well when it comes to social engagement. Angela, Eric, Mike, Jessica, and I are going to look at prom stuff in Port Angeles this weekend if Angela’s cold feels any better. I’m on dress patrol and the guys are in charge of making dinner reservations and finding a limo to rent. If Angela's still feeling sick and they cancel, I might go see that new action movie with Jake.”

“That sounds like a fun back-up plan. Wait, I thought you said Mike and Jessica were on a break. Have they gotten back together?” 

“Their relationship confuses us all,” I shrugged. “I’ve given up trying to understand them. Mike still hits on me occasionally, so I just assume they’re on a break when that happens.”

“Does it bother you when Mike hits on you?”

“Sometimes, but he knows I only see him as my friend and coworker.”

“Don’t be afraid to talk to your school staff if he makes you uncomfortable, okay? You deserve to feel safe in your learning environment. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them directly, you can also give me written permission to contact the school on your behalf; none of your classmates would know.”

“Thanks, doc. I’ll keep that in mind if he gets weird with me.”

“Good; I trust you to be smart. So, will you be attending the prom this year?” she asked, effectively switching topics. 

“Yeah,” I beamed. Things were changing in my previously introverted lifestyle and I hoped they were changes for the better. “Since everyone is going as a big group I won’t feel so uncomfortable. Eric and Ben are still fighting over Angela anyway so who knows if she’ll be able to sort that out by April. Plus, Jess and Angela promised to teach me how to dance so I won’t maim or kill anyone.”

“You’re very self-deprecating, Bella. It worries me sometimes.”

“I have many talents Dr. Shelley, but dancing just _isn’t_ one of them. I can read an entire book in two hours. I can cook a three course meal by myself. I can gut a fish without getting sick. I couldn’t make it through a child-level ballet class to save my life.”

“Point taken,” she smiled. I hadn’t noticed them before, but Dr. Shelley’s laugh-lines were set deeply into her skin. A soft kind of warmth filled my chest knowing that she lived a happy life outside her office.  _ Focus, Swan.  _

“Unintentional murder weapon aside, I need your help with something.”

“Alright, what’s up?”

“I think I might be bisexual,” I stated. My declaration had been blunt but the fear in my voice was unmistakable. Anne glanced down at my hands, which were clasped together tightly in my lap. The knuckles were nearly white from the force of my clenching. My heart pounded erratically as anxiety sent spikes of adrenaline careening through my bloodstream. Fight or Flight was kicking in, urging me to run from the office and disappear into the woods again to avoid facing this terrifying potentiality. She waited for my silence to dry up like it always did as my brain slowly overrode the nervous system’s violent response. “I’ve been thinking about things a lot lately and that’s the only real conclusion.”

“I’m more than happy to talk with you about it but you don’t need to have a panic attack while we chat. You’re safe here, Bella. You need to calm down so we can walk through this together, alright? Take a deep breath with me, Bella. In,” she instructed. We both breathed deeply for three seconds, paused for four seconds, and exhaled the breath slowly in a steady stream. The pace of my heartbeat slowed slightly in response; still not normal, but less frantic. “Do you want to talk about  _ why  _ you think you’re bisexual or do you want to start somewhere else?”

“I definitely want to talk about that, but I also want advice on how to break it to Charlie.”

“Let’s start with the  _ why  _ and move to  _ how  _ later.”

“Alright. That sounds like a solid plan, Anne,” I joked, flashing my finger guns at her like a total idiot. I groaned and lowered my face into my hands, “Sorry, that was really corny.”

“No worries, I thought it was funny.”

“Thanks, doc.”

“So, where do you think we should start?”

“Is there a good place to start?” I asked. The self-consciousness was fading into familiarity as I remembered that Dr. Shelley’s office was a completely closed off and safe space. The outside world couldn’t break into my sanctuary here; I was free to tell her everything without fear of judgement or rejection. 

“How about the first time you had these feelings? When did you begin to suspect a change in your attraction?” She didn’t even have her notepad in her hand. She was giving me total freedom in this moment. She knew how terribly frightened I was about this realization and wanted to make me as comfortable as possible. I nearly burst into tears.

“Well, I’m not sure where it began  _ exactly _ , but the first time it was really obvious was when I saw Edward’s sister for the first time and couldn't decide which one of them was hotter. It was the angry blond one, Rosalie,” I explained. “But when I sat down to think about things more this past week, I realized that these feelings go back way further.”

The doctor didn’t respond. She was waiting patiently for me to continue. I took another deep, steadying breath, “I think my first ever girl-crush was probably in elementary school. I really liked this girl in my fifth grade class. Her name was Emma and she had long, curly red hair that stuck out all over the place. Mine was always tangled, too, so I think we stuck together because we both felt out-of-place. But it was deeper than that in a  _ vague  _ way.” 

“Did your feelings change when you went through puberty or did they stay  _ vague _ ?” she asked, ribbing me slightly in that familiar way. It calmed me again. Anne knew how to manipulate me into opening up, but it was in such a human way that it didn’t come across as  _ invasive _ . She was helping me work through things that, without those slight conversational manipulations, I would never confront. I appreciated the way she made me feel safe. 

“Eighth grade was probably when I had my first real romantic  _ yearning  _ for a girl, actually,” I smiled sadly. That had been the strangest few months of my life, but Renee had been in her yoga phase so she had been too busy meditating to notice (for which I was grateful, in a twisted way). “Rachel, from History class. She gave me a sparkly purple butterfly clip to help keep my bangs out of my eyes. I gave her a ring from a vending machine at the taco place. We traded books and tapes. We wrote each other notes back and forth in a secret notebook that we passed between classes and after school.” 

“What made you yearn for her, as you put it?”

“She moved to France with her Dad halfway through the year. He was in the military. I think she felt the same way I did, so it made our goodbye even harder. She understood me in ways no one else had before. No one has understood since, honestly.” Despite re-experiencing my childhood heartbreak there were no tears leaving my eyes. The doctor leaned forward and patted my knee comfortingly. 

“Heartbreak is never easy, especially when it’s so confusing.”

“Thanks. But now I’m starting to think about dating again and I don’t want to limit myself if I don’t have to.”

“Are you ready to tell your family and your peers?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I wanted to ask for help with Charlie.”

“I can’t come to your house and facilitate a discussion, Bella. It’s not professional,” she explained. I shook my head.

“No, that’s not what I mean. I just need your help  _ wording  _ it. He’s such a good Dad and I don’t want him to think I’ve been hiding something from him on purpose.”

“Now that  _ is  _ something I can help with,” she smiled, picking up her notepad and pen. “Let’s get down to business.”

* * *

After putting away the last few dishes from dinner, I took one of my therapy-approved big breaths and made my way into the living room. “Hey Charlie,” I greeted him, settling down criss-cross applesauce on the side of the couch closest to his favorite recliner. _It’s now or never, Bella Swan,_ I psyched myself up. 

“What’s up, Bells?” he asked. From the chuffy, half-asleep quality of his voice I could tell his was content. He had a cold beer in his right hand and he was well-fed, but the game on tv was inconsequential; none of his favorite teams were playing tonight. This was the perfect time for a father-daughter chat.

“You’d love me no matter what, right Dad?” I asked, hands already tangling nervously in my lap on instinct.

“Ah, here it is,” he smiled. I was confused.  _ Did Renee email him about my conversation with her? Had Dr. Shelley called him while I was working on dinner, even though she promised not to?  _ During my brief panic, Charlie adjusted his posture. He set his beer on the small side-table and planted both feet solidly on the floor. He leaned towards me, placing his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together, brown eyes level with mine. “What do you need to talk to me about, sweetheart? I’m here to listen and I promise I’ll love you no matter what.”

“I talked to Dr. Shelley about this today because it’s been bugging me for awhile. She helped me figure everything out and finally pick a label for it,” I began. Charlie nodded encouragingly, eyes focused but full of warmth. “Edward was my first real relationship, but since he’s been gone and I’ve been feeling better, I’ve started developing feelings for someone else.”

Charlie didn’t interrupt, but he nodded to acknowledge that he was following along. I took another deep, calming breath before continuing my speech. “I’m not going to date this person because I don’t think they feel the same way, which is fine. But I did want you to know that it’s Angela Weber.”

“Oh Bells,” Charlie smiled, moving from his seat to the empty space beside me on the couch. “You’re my only kid, which logically makes you my favorite kid, too. I don’t care if you want to date girls or guys or whoever as long as they make you happy and take care of you, kiddo.” 

“You’re not mad?”

“Mad? Hell no! Girls can’t get you pregnant, Bells!”

“ _ Dad!”  _ I groaned, burying my face in my hands to hide the inevitable blush. “Gross!”

“Love you, Bells.” He pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his chin against the top of my head like he used to do when I was younger. The feeling was so intensely familiar that I nearly teared up from happiness alone. 

We stood there in silence for a few moments, swaying slightly as we held each other. Maybe Charlie didn’t hover, or ask probing questions, or inquire about my friends personal lives, but he  _ did  _ care completely and absolutely about my wellbeing and happiness. He really was a good Dad and I loved him with all my heart. After another few moments of swaying in silence, Charlie relaxed his arms and took a step back, keeping his hands solidly on my shoulders. “You’re a good, smart kid. I trust you to do what makes you happy, alright? I’m never going to judge you for who you bring home for dinner as long as you don’t make me cook anything important on those nights,” he winked. I smiled, adjusting to the new level of comfort I felt in my own skin. Sure, Edward had promised me immortal youth and several college degrees, but he’d never loved me as selflessly as Charlie. He’d never trusted me so innately. 

“I love you, Dad.”

“Love you too, Bells.”


	6. Jacob Gets Mono

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back! I work retail so my life is currently falling apart during the covid-19 pandemic (please just stay home and stop yelling at me about toilet paper)! It's also finals!
> 
> How am I posting this? I don't know either! But I'd love some kind words after this dark time! You all rock and I love you!

Dr. Shelley knew something was wrong as soon as she came to collect me from the waiting room. Maybe it was the quiet anxiety behind Charlie’s usually cheerful smile; his lips pulled too tightly together, like a man suppressing terrible fear. Maybe it was the way my body was curling in on itself the way it did just after _he_ left. Maybe the most damning clue of all was the tired way I dragged myself from the plastic-covered seat cushion and followed Anne down the short hall to her office. 

As soon as the door closed behind us, Anne asked, “What’s wrong, Bella? I haven’t seen you like this in weeks. Didn’t things go well with Charlie last weekend?”

“Charlie was more than understanding. That went great! This is worse, it’s Jake,” I explained in a rush. Tears were already making their way back down my face. _Would I be allowed any reprieve from this heart-wrenching sadness? Would the constant heartbreak and lies from the people I loved and trusted most ever stop? Was Charlie the only man worth keeping in my life? Am I hyperventilating?_ Despite the racing of my thoughts, my mouth attempted to continue my explanation, “Jake just...he…”

“Alright Bella, let’s breathe together.”

We did three or four rounds of my favorite breathing exercises before I was calm enough to explain my situation to Dr. Shelley. I wiped the tears from my face and blew my nose into a tissue before beginning. I started strong, but by the end of my short exposition my voice was shaking and tears were threatening to spill yet again: “Angela still wasn’t feeling well last weekend, so I went to the movies with Jake and Mike. Jessica and some others were supposed to come with us but Mike was the only one who showed because he and Jess got into another fight. We saw an action movie that was rated R, so I had to buy Jake’s ticket. Which was fine with me. The only real problem was that both guys thought it was some kind of date. Half-way through the movie Mike ended up getting sick and going home, probably with whatever Angela had. Jake and I left too and then...”

“Tell me one word at a time if you need to, Bella,” Anne interrupted. That short statement knocked me loose, somehow. I squared my shoulders, uncurling my body from its anxious posture and straightening my spine a little. If I was going to tell her this story, I should do it with confidence. Full of righteous fury, teenage hormones, and anger, I was ready to tell my therapist all about the bullshit I’d been dealing with. She gave me an encouraging smile. 

“Jake asked me if I liked him romantically.”

“What did you say?”

“I mean, maybe? If things had gone a little differently, if Edward hadn’t...you know? If I’d grown up in Forks, if he’d hung out with me more when I first moved here last year, if we’d talked more on the phone...maybe we could have built something together and fallen in love. I didn't say I _didn't_ like him, you know? There's potential with Jake, I'm just not ready yet.”

“Keep going.”

“I told him all of that. I told him that feelings might pop up, but first and foremost I needed him because he’s my best friend,” I rushed. “But he got _really_ mad for some reason and left in a huge huff. Now he won’t answer any of my calls. Billy keeps telling me that he has mono but I know that’s bullshit. Mike and Angela had the stomach flu and nobody else on the Res has reported a case of mono. I know he’s fine; he just doesn’t want to talk to me!”

“Are you going to be okay?” 

“Probably. He _just_ promised not to leave me like Edward did but the _second_ I tell him I need time to adjust and process his feelings he disappears.”

“I’m so sorry, Bella. I know they’re just words, but I do feel for you.”

“I know. You’re a good person.”

“How are you handling it?”

“Not super well, but I’m going to take my time and talk with Charlie. Things will work out, I’m sure. Jake’s just going through some stuff of his own,” I decided. Maybe I could will this nonsense into being, “He’s going to be fine and so am I.”

“That’s a really healthy mindset,” Anne nodded, jotting a few things down on her notepad. “But is it really how you feel?”

“Of course not, I’m fucking pissed,” I huffed, positivity collapsing for a moment. “Sorry for the cussing.”

“We discussed this, you’re allowed to say whatever you need. I certainly won’t tell. And I have much more profane patients than you, Bella.”

“Cool.”

“So why are you angry?”

“He promised! Jake holds all this anger and resentment towards Edward for, I don’t know, _stealing_ me, and then he goes and abandons me himself? I wasn’t _Jake's girl_ to begin with! I don’t belong to anyone! I _chose_ to be with Edward and I _chose_ to move on after he bailed on me. Jacob _chose_ to hang out with me even when he knew I was vulnerable and sad and still in love with someone else. None of this is my fault! Men are such goddamn babies!”

I’d worked myself into a bit of a lather towards the middle of my rant, and by the end I was pacing in front of my chair. As I folded myself back against the leather, feet tucked under my legs to keep them still, Anne smiled softly. Not her _Doctor Shelley Bedside Manner_ smile, but a legitimate smile of fond amusement. “Sorry,” I chuckled, ducking my head.

“Your feelings are completely valid, not to sound stereotypical or bookish,” she started. “And I want you to know that you’re absolutely allowed to be mad at these boys. They’ve hurt you.”

“I took care of Renee for so long. I took care of myself for so long. I don’t need to take care of anyone else right now, I just want to _heal._ ”

“You’re a smart cookie, Bella.”

“Thanks, doc.”

“What else would you like to talk about, or would you like to continue down this road?”

“Actually, I have this new favorite song! And I need to vent to _someone_ about Ben's weird poetry or I'm going to explode.”

"Please continue."

* * *

“How was your session today, Bells?” Charlie asked as we buckled into the cruiser. 

“Pretty good,” I nodded. The look of relief that flashed across my Dad’s face was heartwarming. _He really cares. Am I really willing to give this all up for some boy? Am I ready to give up_ Charlie _?_

“Do you want to hit that little Italian place on the way home? I thought you might want a break from cooking since finals are coming up soon,” Charlie offered. The thought of entering La Bella Italia without Edward by my side was a strange one, but I accepted nonetheless. I had to move on eventually. 

The waiter was a high school guy, tall and nervous with his stringy blonde hair gelled up in the front. Nothing like the hot waitress from last time. I was already relieved.

“What sounds good to you, kiddo?” Charlie asked. His eyebrows were knit together as he scanned the menu and it made me laugh quietly behind mine. “What are you laughing at?”

“Your eyebrows make you look like a caveman when you squint like that,” I said. I glanced down at the menu and then shut it, mind made up. “I think I’m gonna get the mushroom ravioli.”

“I didn’t know you liked mushrooms,” Charlie said. 

“Me neither, but last year I came here with a friend and the ravioli was great.”

“Mind if I get the same?”

“Of course not. I didn’t know _you_ liked mushrooms.”

“I love 'em. Billy and I used to go on mushroom hunting trips before his accident. Maybe we can go hunting for them in the woods sometime, you and I. Your mom was never really into my outdoorsy stuff but maybe we can cure your clumsiness with some hiking,” Charlie suggested. I beamed, already getting over my anger with Jake. _Charlie will always have my back, no matter what. What’s there to be sad about when such unconditional love exists?_

“Two mushroom raviolis, please,” Charlie ordered when our nervous waiter reappeared. “And two slices of cheesecake to go!”


	7. It's A Wolf Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finals are over! Summer is here! And so is another chapter!
> 
> Hope everyone is staying safe and sane during quarantine! 
> 
> I did throw in a few digs at SMeyer here but I couldn't help it. Especially if Midnight Sun ACTUALLY gets released this week. What a wild world we live in, huh? Anyway, please enjoy and drop me a comment if you had fun!

“How’s it going this week, Bella?” Anne asked. I flopped back into my chair, huffing out a sigh that might have been just over the edge of melodramatic.  _ I’m a teenager, melodrama is allowed,  _ I rationalized. __

“It’s been a rough one, Doc.” 

Anne leaned forward in that naturally concerned way of hers, eyes narrowing behind the rims of her glasses. Her hair was down today, wavy and red in the light from the window; she looked younger. She was waiting on me to explain, of course. My mind had wandered as usual and I tried to straighten out my thoughts into something cohesive as I spoke, “Jake still hasn’t called me back.”

“Is that the only rough part?”

“Well, finals are coming up in the next couple of weeks. I’m pretty tired from studying all the time, but I know it will all be worth it when the tests are in front of me.”

“So you’re stressed from school  _ and  _ from your concern about Jake?”

“I’m  _ stressed  _ about school. I  _ miss  _ Jake. I know Jake’s not sick, though, so I’m not really worried about him much.”

“You sound very confident,” she observed. I nodded firmly and explained my disbelief regarding Jake’s mono diagnosis. 

“There’s no way he has  _ mono.  _ Jake is too much of a loner to have caught the kissing disease of all things. Chicken pox? Maybe. Pneumonia? I could believe it. Mono? Now  _ that’s  _ something that it would take effort for Jake to catch.”

“You think Jake got mono from  _ kissing  _ someone?”

I paused again.  _ Did she not really know that ‘the kissing disease’ is a nickname for mono? She has a doctorate for Pete’s sake.  _ I brushed it off and continued my short speech.

“I just know he’s not sick. Actually, I think he might be in a gang.”

“Woah, Bella,” Dr. Shelley leaned back suddenly, pulling her glasses down the bridge of her nose and taking on a more serious tone. “Have you told Charlie about any of this?”

“Oh, sorry. I should explain. It’s not really a  _ gang _ ,” I reassured her, holding my hands out in front of me like I was trying to keep her in her seat with the Force. “It’s more like a group of boys who do stupid recreational activities together.”

“ _ Recreational  _ activities? Like drugs?”

“No, definitely not drugs.” I laughed, thinking of Jake trying to do drugs in any way, shape, or form. There would be disastrous results. “Activities like sports and physical challenges.”

“Jeez, Bella,” Anne let out a shaky laugh as her shoulders relaxed. “You really had me scared for your safety there.”

“Sorry, Doc,” I shrugged, running a hand through my disheveled hair to get it out of my eyes. “I’m notoriously bad with words.”

“So everyone is safe?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, that’s good. Why do you think Jake has joined this...gang?” 

“I don’t know. He’s usually not one to give in to peer pressure. Jake likes his lone wolf status.”

The words  _ lone wolf  _ had no sooner left my mouth than I had a sudden and rather brilliant realization. I could hear Jacob’s voice ringing in my ear like we were still roaming La Push beach: “ _ Did you know the Quileutes are supposedly descended from wolves?”  _ Then I thought of Charlie’s nervous requests that I not go into the woods alone. There had been too many big animal sightings near the Res. Bears, maybe.  _ Or wolves.  _

“Bella?” Dr. Shelley’s voice broke through my revelation and drew me back to normal, human reality. 

“I think I just figured out how to handle it, actually.”

“Don’t do anything that could put you in danger, alright?” 

“Don’t worry, Dr. Shelley,” I smiled reassuringly, “This plan involves Charlie so I won’t be alone.”

“Excellent.”

“There’s other stuff I’d like to talk about,” I stated, trying to draw the conversation away from Jake and his friends. Anne readjusted her glasses and relaxed into her favorite note-taking position. 

“What’s up?”

* * *

Charlie was still watching the post-game play analysis over at Billy’s place as ten o’clock rolled around, but I didn’t mind having the house to myself. I’d eaten leftovers for dinner and cleaned up the kitchen counter in Charlie’s absence. I was already tired from studying in the car on the way back from Dr. Shelley’s so I opted to relax a little instead of studying anymore tonight. I flicked my radio on and skipped through the familiar track list until I found a song that spoke to my current mood. 

_ “ _ _ City's breaking down on a camel's back, _

_ They just have to go 'cause they don't know whack. _

_ So while you fill the streets, it's appealing to see _

_ You won't get undercounted 'cause you're damned and free.” _

Gorillaz wasn’t necessarily a conventional band, but I liked their clever lyricism and low energy electronic style. Charlie thrived on hair metal, Renee loved her disco grooves, Jessica favored boy bands, and Mike Newton would die if anything bad ever happened to Justin Timberlake; but I was an indie girl through and through. As if my abundant collection of long-sleeved plaid shirts and Vans sneakers didn’t already prove that. 

I was bouncing slightly (you know, since I can’t dance) as I put away my clean laundry and shrieked when my foot hit a loose board. My sock caught on the corner of the wood and sent me crashing into the hardwood floor. “What the fuck?” I asked the empty air.  _ Good thing Charlie wasn’t home to hear  _ that  _ particular outburst.  _ After scooting back slightly and unhooking my ruined sock, I pried at the edge of the suspicious board with my hands. It gave easily, coming loose in my hands. 

The handful of items that lay just inside the shallow hole ripped the breath from my lungs. Staring up at me from beneath my bedroom floor was the picture of Edward and I that Alice had taken at The Birthday Party. The CD recording of Edward’s original songs lay just underneath the photograph, its partially opaque plastic case covered in a thin layer of dust. I could see the tracklist written out in Edward’s old-fashioned scrawl. My eyes watered slightly as I pulled the long-forgotten keepsakes into the light of my bedroom. I thought maybe Edward had taken them with him to Alaska to burn. Or maybe he’d put them in a bag with a rock and tossed them into the ocean. Maybe he had just crushed it to dust in his stone hands. Regardless of the method he used, I assumed that Edward had destroyed the mementos forever.

Even though it felt like all the air in the world had been suddenly vacuumed out into space where I’d never reach it again, I could still hear “El Mañana” ending quietly from my radio: “ _ Maybe in time you’ll want to be mine.”  _

The music was right, as usual. I knew the lyrics of “Every Planet We Reach is Dead” would come crooning out of the stereo speakers next but I didn’t reach to stop it. Instead I pulled everything out of the hole and put the floorboard back the way it had been. Charlie would be able to fix it permanently when he got home. The birthday photograph went into my desk drawer and the CD went on my shelf. The Cullen Family Crest ring that Alice had secretly gifted to me was hidden away in my grandmother’s antique jewelry box, alongside all my other valuable keepsakes. As I put the memories away where they belonged I felt myself ease into a sense of unusual peace. 

Which is why I nearly jumped out of my skin when a rock hit the glass pane of my bedroom window. Yanking the curtains aside revealed Jacob Black standing in the middle of my back yard, shirtless and wearing...jorts?  _ Are those seriously fucking  _ jorts  _ Jacob Black?  _ I yanked the window open and peered out, “What do  _ you _ want, asshole?”

“I’m sorry!”

“It’s been nearly two weeks since you last talked to me you dumb fuck. Sorry isn’t going to fix everything this time.”

“Let me come up and explain?”

I pretended to consider it, tapping my finger against my chin before rolling my eyes and nodding. “I’m amenable. Come on in, Captain Flynn.”

I backed a few feet away from the window and only moments later Jacob was standing before me, jorts and all. He raised a quizzical eyebrow, “Really? You’re going to reference Errol Flynn in 2006?”

“Listen, I have a very specific taste in film and you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

“Even after you subjected me to the horribly directed gore fest that was  _ Face Punch? _ ”

“That doesn’t count at all and you  _ know it, _ ” I argued, poking his bare chest with my finger. “Holy shit Jake, are you doing steroids with Sam or is this part of the werewolf thing?”

His head snapped up, brown eyes gazing intently into mine. “How the hell do you already know about that? I came here to explain myself and you  _ already know  _ that I’m a shapeshifter?”

“Oh my god, did you have a speech? Did I ruin your speech moment? I can totally listen if you have one prepared,” I teased. He avoided my curious gaze as he tugged anxiously at the hair coming loose from his messy man-bun. “Why no braids or ponytail? Aren’t those more your usual style?”

“Usually I do a ponytail but I knew you’d make fun of me for that, too. I figured I’d risk the bun.”

“I was  _ this close  _ to calling you General Shang, actually,” I retorted. I had missed our banter nearly as much as I’d missed Jake’s optimistic warmth and stupid jokes. 

“Damn,” he sighed. “I am a fool. But really, Bells, how did you know about the whole...wolf thing?”

“Okay so is it true about wolfsbane and silver bullets?”

“You know for goddamn sure that my tribe’s abilities have nothing to do with European mythical nonsense,” he glowered. I held up my hands in surrender. “Maybe I can ask my Dad to tell you more about it sometime. If Sam ever lifts this gag order.”

“Sorry,” I shrugged. Then I raised an eyebrow. “Gag order?”

“White people,” he shook his head. “It’s a wolf thing, I guess. Sam is the head of the pack since he changed first, so his orders must be obeyed by the rest of us. It’s kinda lame but it keeps us safe. When the pack is a little bigger we might hold a council vote to abolish that rule.”

“Oh. Alright. That sounds...tough.”

“Yeah,  _ and  _ we can read each other’s minds.”

“Nifty?”

“It depends on the day. But seriously, why didn’t you call and tell me you figured it out?”

“First, I only figured it out this afternoon during therapy. Second, I knew you’d eventually come to me on your own when you wanted to talk.”

“You really trusted me that much?” he asked, looking at me with his big puppy-dog eyes.  _ Is “puppy-dog eyes” racist against werewolves? Is the stereotype of Native American men being portrayed as animals through supernatural means kinda racist?  _ He was right. White people.

“So I’m sure I don’t need to explain the whole ‘Sam’s Gang’ thing to you then, do I?” 

“Not really. You said he was the first to turn?”

“Yeah. I can’t imagine what that must have been like.”

“Is it hard to switch back and forth?”

“It was. At first. It was scary and it felt like I was controlling a really well-built muppet.”

I couldn’t help but snort out a short laugh at his description. I sat in my computer chair with my legs pulled up to my chest and Jake took a seat on the edge of my bed, the conversation flowing as if there hadn’t been a strange two-week break in the middle. It was nearly midnight by the time Jake disappeared out my window. I stuck my head out into the night air for one last question, “Hey Jake,” I hissed. He turned and glanced up. 

“Yeah?”

“Why do you all wear jorts?”

He paused, eyebrows scrunched together in thought. Finally he shrugged. “Dunno. Durability? Comfort? Dramatic effect?” 

“See you on Tuesday for a study sesh?”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “See you Tuesday.”

Charlie’s cruiser pulled into the driveway just as Jacob and his hideous jorts faded into the shadows of the forest behind our house. Things were getting back to normal, finally. Things were really  _ healing.  _ Little did I know just how hard the shit was going to hit the fan in the next week.


	8. I'm Not Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How about that Midnight Sun announcement, eh??

When I pulled The Monster into Jake’s driveway on Tuesday, I wasn’t surprised to find Billy Black waiting for me outside. He had parked his wheelchair on the front stoop and was enjoying the (currently) mild weather with a light woven blanket draped over his lap. He waved hello with the hand that wasn’t occupied by his #1 Dad mug. I waved back from the cabin of the truck, pleased that he had a wide smile stretched across his weathered face. It was the kind of smile he’d given me as a child, long before I’d ever met and associated with the Cullens; I understood more clearly now why he hated and distrusted them so much. Jake must have heard the familiar slam of the truck’s heavy door closing since he came pounding out of the house moments later, wearing a grin that nearly outshone his father’s. “Bella!”

“We thought we would never see you again,” Billy winked. I blushed (of course) and made my way up to the house, leaning down to give my father’s best friend a quick hug. He took one of my hands between both of his and gave it a gentle, fatherly pat. “How have you been?”

“Better,” I admitted. “Charlie’s idea about therapy was right. Dr. Shelley has been helping me sort through a lot of stuff. I’ve definitely been getting better sleep.”

“Your Dad seems a  _ lot  _ more relaxed now,” Jake added. 

“I hope so. Since I’ve been sleeping through the night, so has he. And we’ve been spending a lot of time together actually talking.”

“He told me about your new nightly ritual with dinner and some vinyl,” Billy chuckled. “I asked if he’d gotten you a life insurance policy yet.”

“Dad!” Jake was mortified.

“No, he’s right,” I agreed, smiling along with Billy. “Charlie really should get the flooring insured or something. It’s only a matter of time before I put a hole in the linoleum or scratch the cabinetry on my way down.” 

“I won’t take any more of your precious time with my bad jokes,” Billy interrupted. He gestured vaguely towards Jake’s garage. “Go hang out and be teenagers while you still can.”

“Later Mr. Black.”

“See you in a bit, Dad.”

* * *

As I was pulling my homework assignments from my bag, Jake tugged gently at a strand of my ponytail. “Hey Bella, are you doing anything on Friday?”

“You mean other than my regularly scheduled therapy appointment? No. I’m free any time after five.”

“Cool. The guys and I are going to go cliff diving and then do a movie roast. Wanna come?”

“I might just  _ watch _ the cliff diving bit but I’ll definitely consider participating in the movie roast. What’s the flick this time?”

“It was Embry’s turn to choose,” he rolled his eyes. “So we’re going to be roasting the shit out of  _ Revenge of Sith. _ ”

“Ah, that must be a highly controversial choice.”

“It’s not even that  _ bad, _ ” Jake groaned. “They’re asking me to make fun of a movie that I actually liked.”

I pitched my voice down and posed dramatically, thrusting my fists into the air, “Nooooooo!”

“Shut up.”

“Fine, I will shut up. But only because I have to figure out what the hell a binomial is,” I smirked. We spent an hour in companionable silence, focused on our individual tasks but glad to spend time together. Jake broke the quiet first. 

“I’m sorry about what happened between us.”

“You don’t have to apologize anymore. We had this talk already,” I smiled. “You’re my best friend, dude.”

“What about Angela?”

“I can have more than one. And she’s my best friend in a different way. I’ve known you my whole life. I know all the embarrassing childhood stories like the time you pulled your pants down in-”

His hand shot out to cover my mouth. “We do not speak of this incident.”

I licked the palm of his hand, which tasted  _ gross,  _ and he yanked his arm back to wipe it against his jeans. “Ew! Bells, what the hell?”

“Not my fault.”

He rolled his eyes and stretched, reaching his arms high above his head and twisting from side to side. His spine popped in three or four places with the volume of small firecrackers going off and I nearly jumped from my seat at the workbench. “If I have to analyse one more short story I’m going to cry. Wanna see the Rabbit?”

“Yeah!”

* * *

When I pulled into my driveway after school on Wednesday I was not expecting to see a shiny yellow sports car parked in the cruiser’s empty spot. I rolled The Monster into his assigned parking zone and made my way carefully towards the front door, hand clasped tightly over the canister of pepper spray Charlie had given me last year.  _ God I hope this thing still works.  _

The door was still locked, so I fished the keys from my pocket and slowly swung it open. Walking heel-to-toe as Charlie had taught me and avoiding the creakiest floorboards, I made my way into the living room. Perched on the couch in a hideous all-cream ensemble was  _ Alice Cullen.  _ I dropped the pepper spray in surprise and heard its hollow  _ thunk  _ against the hardwood. “What the fuck?”

“Bella, language!” she piped, beaming brightly. Alice’s fairy-like tone was still just as beautiful as ever, but it couldn’t stop the rage that boiled up inside me at the sight of her just...sitting on my goddamn living room couch like she owned the place. She rose to her feet in that oddly graceful way but didn’t approach. “I’m so happy to see that you’re okay!”

“Okay? You’re  _ happy  _ to see that I’m  _ okay _ ?” I growled out. My eyes had narrowed to slits and my hands had balled into fists at my sides. No longer curling in on myself in pain, no longer running to her for emotional support, I was  _ absolutely fucking pissed.  _ “Do you know how badly you guys hurt me when you all disappeared?”

“B-Bella?” 

“I  _ finally  _ started feeling better about my self worth and feeling better about losing my potential _ immortality _ with Edward and now you have to show up at my house all of a sudden? What gives you the right to just break in wherever you feel like it, Alice?”

“I...I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were going to be so angry. I would have brought Jasper along.”

“Oh, so you could control me some more? So you could calm the little human girl down with your magical racist boyfriend and explain things to me like a child? You couldn’t  _ see _ my anger with your special powers, Alice? What did you think would happen when you suddenly reappeared in my house, that I’d welcome you back with open arms? That I’d go running to you for a hug like we were still best friends?”

I must have struck a nerve because her face twitched slightly. Somehow she managed to retain her fake soothing, motherly smile.

“I couldn’t see you anymore and I got worried. I came back to Forks to make sure that you were alive. Edward has been…” she trailed off, looking for the right words I was sure. I decided to fill in the blanks for her. Two of us could condescend in this game.

“What, upset? Concerned?”

“Yes, Bella. Extremely concerned. He hasn’t stopped loving you or thinking about you.”

“Sucks for him, I guess. That’s what you get when you break up with someone and abandon them completely for six months. I don’t owe him a fucking weekly update email. Not like he’d get them or read them anyway.”

“Why haven’t I been able to see you? I’ll get flashes, every once and awhile when you’re at school or at home, but otherwise you’ve been gone from my sight for huge chunks of time.”

“Oops.”

“Bella, please. What have you been up to lately?”

“It. Is. None. Of. Your. Business. Alice.”

“I can see that we won’t get anywhere today,” she sighed, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I’m going to leave for now. Maybe we can talk again this weekend or something?”

“Are you moving back?” I asked, crossing my arms in front of my chest so she knew she wasn’t getting a goodbye hug. 

“No, I just stopped by to make sure you were okay.”

“Mission accomplished, then. As you can see I am perfectly  _ okay _ .” I spun in a slow circle, throwing my arms wide so she could inspect my limbs for casts or braces. “No bumps, bruises, or contusions. No broken bones. No organ failures.”

“I’ve missed you and I’d still like to talk to you.”

“Well I would have liked a reasonable explanation for my best friend, the love of my life, and their entire family suddenly disappearing. It’s a shame we can’t all get what we want, isn’t it?”

I didn’t listen to her tinkling bell-like response. I didn’t show her the door. Instead I turned around, walked up the stairs, and closed my bedroom door behind me. Part of me hoped that she’d follow. That she would open the door to argue and see how things had changed. How anger and time had changed me. How therapy had changed me. I wanted her to see the posters on my wall: an ad Baz Luhrman’s “ _ Romeo + Juliet”,  _ a recreation of Botticelli’s “Birth of Venus”; and my favorite, an ironic My Chemical Romance poster that said “Vampires will never hurt you.”

She didn’t follow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Please? They keep me going. I'm already writing the next chapter so hopefully the break between won't be nearly as long this time. My apologies, fam.


	9. Venomous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hello there!
> 
> Have another chapter. We're getting into the meat of the story, now. It's getting heavily canon divergent here so please forgive me for changing the timeline around a bit. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> -edit: someone pointed it out to me in the comments but I accidentally switched Paul and Sam (brain tired, my apologies). So I fixed that!-

I practically ran into Anne’s office on Friday afternoon, ready to spill everything that had happened over the course of the week in a place that was completely safe. Completely Charlie, Cullen, and shapeshifter free. Dr. Shelley understood immediately, “Bella, what’s wrong? You seem upset.”

“I saw Alice Cullen,” I blurted, unable to keep it inside any longer. I hadn’t told Charlie yet and the secret had been burning a new, different kind of hole in my chest. “She was _in my house_ when I got home from school on Wednesday, while Charlie was at work. She wanted to see if I was doing okay. She told me that Edward was worried about me.”

“Did she break in? How did she get into your house?” Dr. Shelley questioned. The worry in her voice had a warm, motherly tone. _Is that what moms sound like when they’re worried?_ “Have you told Charlie?”

“No, but it’s not that I haven’t wanted to,” I explained. “I just wasn’t sure exactly what to tell him. I don’t know if she broke in or used our spare key. She didn’t threaten me, she was concerned for my safety. Alice just wasn’t someone I really wanted to see again.”

“I would imagine not. And waiting _inside_ the house for you? That’s a huge violation of your privacy. You should be able to feel safe in your home.”

_My ex-boyfriend, the one who abandoned me in the woods five months ago, used to sneak into my bedroom through a window that I’m pretty sure he repaired himself so that he could watch me sleep. My home has never been a safe place, Anne._

“I asked Charlie to change the locks and he promised to do it this week.”

“I see.” Anne picked up her pen and writing pad. “So, what happened between you and Alice? Did you talk?”

“So to speak,” I half-smiled. “I really just read her the riot act.”

“What do you mean by ‘the riot act’?” Anne asked. 

“I told her that I was angry with her, with Edward, and with their family. I told her that I deserved better and that I wouldn’t forgive them so easily for leaving me alone without any contact. I stood my ground.”

“Good for you!” Anne praised me. Her smile was wide and genuine. _If only she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. I would have tried to hook her up with Charlie. They’d get along swimmingly._

“I haven’t seen her since. I hope she went back to the rest of those lying, selfish assholes and decided to stay in hiding.”

“You seem determined to stay angry at them, and that’s totally fine,” Anne said, “But don’t be afraid to forget about them, either. Picking at a scab only makes the scar worse in the end.”

 _She’s right,_ I told myself. _You need to let the Cullens and immortality go, Bella. You have more immediate shit to deal with._

I took a deep breath and nodded, smiling. That peaceful feeling I got after putting away the Cullens’ old gifts settled back into my bones. Charlie was safe, happy, and healthy. I was much the same. There was nothing in the world that could touch me now.

But oh, I was wrong.

* * *

I rolled up to Emily and Sam’s place on Friday afternoon, hair still damp from the quick shower I’d taken after school. It was bad manners to walk into a room full of people whose sense of smell was heightened while reeking of a high school P.E. class. I hadn’t even opened the door when Embry, Quil, Jake, and the newest member of the pack, Seth Clearwater, came barreling out the front door. Seth was all awkward angles. More like Bambi than the Big Bad Wolf. “What’re you smirking about, Swan?” Embry asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Awww, c’mon Elvira, fess up,” Quil teased. Some of the pack had taken to calling me Elvira or Morticia. I didn’t mind; it was all in good fun.

“Seth looks more like Bambi than the Big Bad Wolf.”

“Heyyyyy,” Seth whined. 

“That sound you just made is _not_ helping your cause, kiddo,” Sam called from the doorway. The volume of his statement was entirely for my benefit, as the boys’ hearing was significantly better than mine. Seth rolled his eyes and looked back to me for more banter.

“How’s your dad?” I asked, pulling two plastic grocery bags out from the passenger seat of The Monster. “Still recovering?”

“Yeah, but he’s doing much better now. Mom says he’ll be out of the hospital by the end of the week. Leah is skipping tonight to be with him, though. She's always been more worried than me about stuff.”

“I’m glad he has such a caring family. Heart attacks can be scary. Make sure you keep an eye on him and don’t let him drink too much when he goes fishing with my Dad or Jake’s.”

“Yes, Dr. Swan,” Seth winked. I ruffled his hair and let him carry the large plastic shopping bags into the house. He peeked into one as he crossed the threshold. “Bella brought Doritos! She’s the best!”

“You’re awfully easy to impress,” Jake teased. We stepped into the kitchen behind Seth. Everyone was busy with their own task and the bustling energy had a warm, familial feel to it. 

“Don’t go telling people about the pack just because they give you MSG, doofus,” Embry added. Quil nodded sagely, slamming an entire can of rootbeer and crushing it against his head with his hand. I was going to compliment him but my train of thought was quickly derailed. 

“Bella!” Emily wrapped her warm arms around me in a way that always made me feel welcome. I relished her hugs and this one was no different. I sank into her greeting and experienced a profound sense of _calm_ for a second. There was no mystery surrounding Paul’s attraction to her at all. “How have you been?”

“Alright,” I shrugged, pulling a loose piece of hair behind my ear. I wanted to seem nonchalant but the room was full of wolves and I should have known better.

“Your heart rate says differently,” Sam scolded. “What’s up, Morticia?”

“One of the leeches showed up at my house after school on Wednesday,” I shuddered. “She was sitting on my couch when I got home. Just...waiting for me.”

“Do you want one of us to keep an eye on the place for you?” Paul asked. The response seemed almost automatic, as if he'd been expecting it. _I bet they knew already and were hoping the Cullens stayed away. I bet they've been prepared for weeks._

“That’s sweet of you to offer, but I can deal with the Cullens if they try and show their pale, sparkly asses around town again,” I stated. Seth let out a melodramatic shiver. 

“Remind me not to get on her bad side. If a human girl says she can handle vamps all alone then she’s a _badass,”_ he said. Paul rolled his eyes.

“Well, for safety, I’d like to hang out once and awhile if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, Jake, you’re welcome any time you want. You know that. And you know Charlie doesn’t care.”

“Charlie loves me.”

“Yeah, well, don’t let it go to your ego,” I said, flicking him square in the center of his forehead. He pouted, rubbing at the spot for a moment before grinning evilly and swinging my tiny mortal body over his ever-broadening shoulder. “What the fuck! Put me down!”

“Language!” Embry teased. I flipped him off as Jake sauntered through the door like he wasn’t carrying anything at all. 

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Cliff diving!” he announced. The boys howled gleefully and followed behind us. “For revenge! You can’t just assault me and get away with it.”

“I flicked you! That’s barely assault!”

“You look like Princess Fiona,” Seth beamed, interrupting the argument. I anchored my elbow against Jake’s back and propped my chin up with my hand, mimicking the shot from _Shrek_ perfectly. I pitched my voice up slightly to recite a few lines.

“Just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your-”

On cue, Jake jostled me and I replied with an indignant, “Hey!”

He set me back on my feet and we laughed for a moment. “What happened to cliff diving?” Seth asked.

“It’s too cold for cliff diving right now,” Jake explained. “Bella doesn’t have our super-warmth, remember? She could get hypothermia or pneumonia if we pushed her off a cliff into the sea in late March. We’ll have to wait until May or June before we get her involved in the group shenanigans.”

“That’s lame,” Seth and I remarked in unison. Jake, Seth, and I made our way back to the house, where Embry was loading _Revenge of the Sith_ into the DVD player/projector. A large white bedsheet was stretched across the side of the house to act as a screen. Beanbags, towels, and blankets were spread across the grass for people to sit on. I parked myself on a comfy woven blanket between Jake and Quil, with Embry and Seth reclining in beanbags on either side of them. Sam pressed _play._

“Ready to roast?”

“Pretty much always.”

* * *

Jake put a finger over his mouth as we pulled The Monster up to my house. He’d wanted to escort me home _just in case_ and he appeared to have sensed correctly. “I can smell that bastard.”

“Which one?” 

“Edweirdo.”

“He’s _here_?!” I gasped. My heart leapt into my throat and my palms became instantly clammy. There were so many things I wanted to say to Edward. “Do you want me to come inside with you and confront him?”

“No, Jake. I think this is something I have to do by myself. But thank you.”

“I’m going to hang around nearby if you need me,” he said. “Flash your bedroom light three times if you want me to pop in, okay?”

“Sounds good. Thanks,” I nodded. Charlie’s cruiser was still gone, probably visiting Mr. Clearwater at the hospital. I squared my shoulders, walked up to the house, and swung open the front door. I took a deep, calming breath and let my eyes sweep the room for any sign of Edward Cullen.

Nothing. 

I made my way upstairs and saw that the crack beneath my bedroom door was illuminated. _Ah. There you are._ I took another deep breath as I reached for the knob, turning slowly and letting the door swing open. There he was, in all his stupid Greek-statue glory; yet the butterscotch tone of his irises worked none of its usual magic. I was too angry.

“Well if it isn’t Edward Cullen,” I observed cooly. This was not the reception he’d been expecting, clearly. His expression changed between confusion, hope, and sadness in a millisecond but landed on something that may have been appeasement. “How many times are you assholes going to break into my house before I have to press charges?”

“I didn’t know you thought of it like that.”

“Well that’s what it _is,_ Edward. First Alice broke in and accosted me without warning. Now _you_ just _show up_ in my bedroom and expect things to be magically okay again?”

“No, of course not. I-”

“I have been through three months of therapy, Edward. I was finally feeling better about being left behind. _Abandoned and betrayed by people who told me they loved me._ But you don’t care, do you? You immortal creep. _I have to stay away, it’s for your own safety!_ ” I mocked, practically spitting the words at him. Vampire venom would pale in comparison to the acrid, stinging tone that dripped from my every word. “You _asswipe._ I loved you with everything I had. We faced _death_ together last year. I let Alice curl my hair and pick out my dress for _prom_ and then went dress shopping again for a homecoming dance that I never attended. I was too busy being _absolutely fucking catatonic_ for three months because the love of my life had disappeared along with any possibility that I could become immortal. Do you know how excited I was to attend college over and over, collecting degrees forever? That sounds like _heaven_ and you just _ripped it away_ without a care in the world.”

Edward was frozen. I could still smell that intoxicating scent and my hands ached to bury themselves in his hair but I refrained. I held myself still like one of his kind as I spat the shards of my broken heart at him one-by-one.

“Maybe you were sad, too. Maybe you cried without shedding any tears for months while you thought of how happy I must be, getting back to my normal human life. Well, guess what? You showing up here and living here for a few years has _turned my best friend into a shapeshifter._ Yeah, that’s right, Eddie. You and your dumbass vamp family have activated the genetic code for shapeshifting in the Quileute tribe. You absolute bastards. I’m sure Carlisle knew the consequences of his actions but it’s just so _rainy_ here that your safety came before Jake or Seth or Embry’s. Huh?”

“I-I’m...I uh.”

“Fuck off, Edward,” I sighed. The anger was gone. The sadness was gone. I had flung my heavy load of feelings off and now I stood before my ex-boyfriend with a clear head and dry eyes. I was exhausted. “I don’t have time to care about you anymore so just _fuck. Off._ ”

“If that’s what you want, Bella, I’ll disappear again.”

“Is that supposed to be some kind of threat?” I half-laughed. There was an edge of hysteria that I hoped Edward picked up on. I hope he understood just what he'd done to me. “You can’t threaten me anymore, Edward. I’m not scared of losing you. If you wander into the Olympic forest and never come out don't expect a search party. I'm capable of healing on my own and living without you; you did that to yourself.”

“I...I still love you,” he admitted. He was holding my Fratellis CD in his pale hand, probably reading through the track list while he waited for me. It was enough to distract me from the constriction of my throat when he said those four short words. Focusing on the Fratellis CD kept me standing. Focusing harder kept me from telling him that I still loved him, too. For the first time since I’d met Edward Cullen I was incredibly pleased that he couldn’t read my mind. I sighed, looking back up at him once the urge to admit my feelings had passed.

“That’s great.”

“You don’t love me anymore?”

“I didn’t say that. But right now I can’t deal with seeing you. It’s too much after too long,” I sighed. “Go home, Edward. Maybe we can talk about this again another time.”

In a flash, he was gone. I flicked my bedroom light on and off three times, waiting for Jake to appear. It didn't take more than a few seconds for him to come flying through my open window. He held me against his chest while I shuddered uncontrollably, unable to speak. “What do you need, Bells?” 

I shook my head, unable to answer. He understood, breathing deeply as wrapped my arms around him and cried, letting silent tears drip against his t-shirt. His hair fell in a long curtain around me, shielding me from the world and letting me sob. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Bella isn't going to let Eddie get away with things so easily.
> 
> Let me know how you think Bella will react. Or if you'd like her to react a certain way. I have some stuff planned out but I always love getting input.


	10. A Chat with Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking this is only going to be 11 or 12 chapters total, so we're nearing the end. Thank you all so much for your comments, kudos, and support. I had a blast writing this and I'm glad so many people resonated with my characterization of Bella.
> 
> If anyone wants to continue the story past the ending point, you're more than welcome.

To: edcullen@yahoo.com

From: bells.swan@hotmail.com

Subject: Let’s Talk

Cc: 

Send Date: Sunday, March 19, 2006

Hey Edward, it’s me (Isabella Marie Swan). 

I’ve sent so many of these emails to a blocked inbox...if it comes back as “undeliverable” again I wouldn’t be surprised. Your little visit may have only been a hallucination after all. It’s been a stressful couple of weeks; if they were anything like the first couple weeks after you left I would  _ certainly  _ understand a dissociative episode. 

Anyway, I said we could talk again. I think I’m ready. 

Don’t assume that we’ll be getting back together. Don’t buy me any stupidly expensive apology gifts. Don’t you  _ dare  _ bring any of your other family members along. I don’t want to be ganged up on and I don’t want to deal with anyone other than you quite yet. I’m not ready for that. You can tell Alice that she is forgiven but her offense is not forgotten. I have no ill will towards Jasper for what happened on my birthday.

You better have a good explanation and a long apology speech for what you did to me, though, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. 

See you tomorrow. My place, after school.

-Bella

When I read it back to myself out loud the email sounded impersonal and slightly cold. Good. Edward deserved to be held accountable for the bullshit he’d put me through in the last five months. September felt years away, but so did Friday evening. After Jake finally left I had hardly gotten a wink of sleep. Yesterday I had cleaned the whole house with manic precision. Charlie looked worried as I scrubbed every available surface into shiny submission but I’d waved it off as hormones; I also spent the entire weekend listening to my Britney Spears Greatest Hits CD and thinking through my sessions with Anne. There wasn’t much room for error, here.

I wasn’t ready to take Edward back. If he wanted to be my boyfriend again there was a lot of groveling and communicating to be done. A lot of things needed fixing between us and there was five months of trauma to work through. Edward’s tricks wouldn’t save him from a long conversation this time, either. I wrote down talking points in case he tried to derail me with physical contact or that annoyingly wonderful smell of his. There was an Axe-sprayed handkerchief in a ziplock bag in my purse, just in case he tried anything funny.  _ I’m sure Van Helsing would be spinning in his grave if he were a real person. I’m fighting off vampires with bullet points on index cards and enough Axe body spray to make a middle school boy nauseous.  _

My hands were sweating in my lap even as I  _ thought  _ about confronting Edward but it was something that had to happen. I’d rather do it sooner than later, especially since I wasn’t sure when they’d be returning to Forks High now that they were back in town. Tomorrow was Monday and I wasn’t even sure what to expect when I made my usual tired way into English class. A sudden, even darker thought suddenly struck:  _ Fuck. I have to tell Charlie.  _ I was done keeping secrets from my Dad. He had more than proven his willingness to care and adapt to me and it was only fair that I tell him the truth. 

I bounded down the steps two at a time in my rush. Charlie was in the kitchen pouring himself a bowl of cereal. “Hey Dad,” I smiled nervously as I rounded the corner and we made eye contact. Two matching sets of brown eyes met in apparent understanding.

“Alright, Bells,” he sighed, taking a seat and gesturing for me to sit across from him. Our tiny kitchen and even tinier kitchen table felt so homey and safe; I really hoped I wasn’t about to ruin that for both of us. “What's been going on with you over the past few days? You seem a little...frantic. More energy than usual, more jumpy. Yesterday I stepped on a loose floorboard and it about sent you through the roof.”

“Yeah, sorry.” I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, avoiding another round of curious eye contact. “I got an email from Alice.”

“Oh?” he quirked an eyebrow. While Charlie hated Edward for weird Man Reasons that I would never really understand, he  _ adored  _ Alice Cullen. 

“Mhm. Apparently they’re moving back to Forks. Dr. Cullen didn’t get along very well with the medical staff in California and they hadn't sold the house yet, so...”

“How are you holding up?” he asked. His tone was saturated with genuine love and concern. I was taken slightly aback. Where I had expected rage and an immediate ban from Edward's presence, Charlie had focused on  _ my  _ feelings first. Maybe therapy had been helping both of us out more than we’d realized. I would have to thank Dr. Anne if I made it to Friday afternoon alive. 

Charlie watched me process my feelings. The long pauses between my sentences were from his genetics, anyway. I sighed,  “Not too well if I’m honest, Dad. I’m not sure how ready I am to face them. I don’t know if Alice and Edward are going to be at school tomorrow. I don't know what I'll say to them if they are. I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive Edward for all the shit he put me through. Pardon my French."

“You can use all the French you want with that Cullen kid,” Charlie snorted, reaching across the short distance to ruffle my already messy hair. I tried to flatten it back by running my fingers through it but from Charlie’s growing smile it wasn’t working very well. “What do you  _ want  _ to do, Bella?”

I sighed, knowing he probably wouldn’t like this next part. “It’s complicated. I’m angry with him and I expect an apology but I also...I, uh.”

“You still love him.” 

“Yeah. A lot. So much that it hurts to think about for too long.”

“I know,” Charlie acknowledged. His voice was sad, but not the kind of sadness I'd grown used to. Not the Charlie type of sad that originated from exhaustion; this seemed sharper somehow. I watched as he stood to put his bowl and spoon in the sink. “I’ll wash those when we’re done. But we have to talk this through together, alright?”

“Yeah.”

“I’d be a liar and a hypocrite if I told you I was angry that you still love Edward. I still love your mother and it’s been so many years since we finalized the divorce. She has Phil now and she’s happy, so I’m happy for her. But Bella,” he took my hand between his calloused palms and squeezed gently, “I still love and miss Renee. I still dream about her every once and awhile. I think about the song we danced to at our wedding when my car radio plays anything from the same genre. I understand what you’re going through and I’m happy that you have the chance to reconcile. It’s not like he had much of a choice in leaving you, anyway. Carlisle decided to make the move and Edward can’t just leave his guardian to stay with you. Maybe he couldn’t handle long distance. I don’t know. You kids need to work it out for yourselves; it’s an opportunity to learn. I guess what I'm saying is that I won't stop you from making your own decisions so long as you don't endanger yourself.”

I hadn’t been expecting that. Then again, I had completely forgotten that to everyone else in my life Edward was a seventeen year old boy under the care of Carlisle, not a hundred year old vampire who made the decision to leave me himself. This might not be as difficult as I expected on Charlie’s end. Although I was still going to kick Edward's ass.

“Thank you, Dad. You won’t be mean to him if we decide to get back together?”

“I make no promises for the first two months, how about that?”

“Deal.”  
  



	11. The Final Confrontation (ish)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for so long doing Witcher things but...ADHD is a hell of a thing.

The Cullen house was empty except for Edward, as I'd requested, although I'm sure that his parents and siblings weren't too far away in case I decided to light him on fire or something. My temper was not necessarily my best personality trait, after all.

"Bella," he smiled. I bit back a smile of my own, which threatened to overtake my face without my permission. I didn't want the cocky billionaire vampire thinking I was going to let him back into my life so easily.

"Edward."

"You're angry."

"Oh, so now you can read my mind?"

"No," he said, marble hands twisting anxiously in his lap. The most human thing I'd ever seen him do. "I just...I know you're mad because I would be mad if our positions were switched."

"Well they're not, are they?"

"No. And you deserve and apology."

"I sure fuckin' do," I glared. I stayed at the edge of the room, far away from his smell and his khakis and his disarmingly bright grin. "So, Edward, what's the plan?"

"I spend the next thousand years apologizing for my shit behavior?"

"So you'll turn me, then?"

"That's what you want, isn't it? To live forever so that you can study? So that you can write papers and improve people's lives and their understandings of literature," he half-smiled. "You're the most noble of us all, you know. You're willing to suffer the pain of transformation in the name of furthering _humanity._ " 

"It's not nobility so much as it is ambition," I admitted. "But you'd do that, for me?"

"Even though that isn't the choice I would make personally," Edward admitted with a visible flinch, "If that's what makes you happy, we'll change you sooner rather than later."

I thought of Charlie and Renee and all the years I'd spent taking care of them in my own little ways. Mostly I thought of Charlie.

"Give me another year or two," I said. "Then we'll talk again."

"Can we talk again before then?" he asked, holding out his hand. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. He withdrew it and sighed, "You choose the terms, Ms. Swan."

"Alright," I nodded. "Then let's discuss them."


End file.
